Not every narcissist is the loud, boisterous one in the room vying for everyone’s attention with their grandiose stories of accomplishments. Sometimes there are covert narcissists who fly under the radar, but they still have some exaggerated needs for admiration.
Perhaps you wonder sometimes about someone in your life or maybe an ex. Could they be a covert narcissist? This article will help you understand covert narcissism better, as well as how to contend with one.

What is Narcissism?
Narcissism is a personality disorder, known better as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Common traits of someone struggling with NPD include:
• The need for an exceptional amount of admiration
• The need to feel incredibly important
• Consumed with fantasies about fame and boatloads of glory
• Grandiose boasting; If you’ve done it, they’ve done it too and better
• Feeling entitled
• Exploiting others
• Lacking compassion and empathy for others
• Obsessing about success, power, beauty, etc.

What is Covert Narcissism?
Covert means secret or under the radar. Whereas someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder is considered to have overt characteristics, a covert narcissist has covert characteristics of narcissism. This means that the traits are more subtle and may not be as noticeable to others.
However, there are 12 signs of covert narcissism, including the following:
1. They’ll “love bomb” you in the beginning of a relationship.
Typically, one or both of you will feel an intense soulmate connection. They may boast about the intensity and act like they idealize you. They’re great at wooing others, but over time, some narcissistic traits will begin to surface, such as selfishness, passive aggressiveness, emotional abuse, and more.
2. They are insensitive to your needs.
They'll subtly disregard your needs, so you will feel less important. They may procrastinate on getting back to you, stand you up, not value your time, be late, or something else to make you feel small.
3. They confuse you.
Conversations or arguments will likely cause you to feel confused. You’ll be second-guessing yourself wondering if you’re literally going crazy. Your perceptions may indeed be correct, but they will try to manipulate the conversation to allow them to come across as correct.
4. They want compliments much of the time.
If they aren’t getting compliments, they may minimize themselves so that others might reassure them of how amazing they are.
5. You experience cognitive dissonance.
They say one thing, but do another, which is confusing. They may tell you stories of how amazing they are, but you’re not seeing that side of them. You have gut feeling something is off.
6. They have a desire to win.
It may not be that obvious, but it’s there. They may also have a tough time apologizing or admitting they are wrong.
7. A covert narcissist will slyly try to shame or blame you.
They may emotionally manipulate you so that you think something is your fault, while it was really their fault. They want you to feel less than.
8. They are stingy, unless of course, someone will praise them.
A covert narcissist will likely only give when they know there is something in it for them.
9. They're not emotionally available.
A covert narcissist may seem like they're more available emotionally, but over time you'll find out that they're not. There are too consumed with trying to get their own needs for admiration met.
10. They may stonewall you, which means they ignore and refuse to talk to you.
Typically, it’s because they are intentionally trying to manipulate or control you.
11. They are passive aggressive.
12. They may have a “woe is me attitude”, playing on your empathy.
They could play the pity card, so every time you come around, they you come around, they complain about how hard things are for them, trying to get sympathy.

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The views expressed here are for the author and do not represent any agency or organization.
Mugambi Paul is a public policy, diversity, inclusion and sustainability expert.
Australian Chief Minister Award winner
“Excellence of making inclusion happen”

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